A few days ago, my 9 year old said to me, "M (her friend) and I started fighting a lot, but then we just talked and found out what we needed, and now it's like we're closer."
My jaw dropped.
This experience of conflict bringing two people closer is something that is fairly new to me, and I was so blessed to hear that my daughter has already known this joy.
Yes, I've been parenting this way for years- Focus on relationships. Find mutually agreeable solutions. People get along really well in our house because we approach conflict as a problem to solve together. That was all life changing stuff that has brought a lot of peace to our home as I learned to implement these ideas with my kids.
But I had not experienced the depth of what it means to have conflict with a peer, outside of a child/parent dyad, truly bring a deeper intimacy to a relationship until I met my fiance, Daniel. We don't fight, but as two different people with different perspectives, ways of doing things and triggers from our pasts, we do experience conflict. Every single time, we come out of the encounter with a deeper love and a greater appreciation of how safe we are with each other.
As this relationship has challenged, shaped, and freed me, I've gently tested out healthy conflict on other relationships and found out that other generally emotionally healthy people actually want to hear what I have to say, validate my feelings, share their perspective, and allow me to validate them. When the conversation is over, we haven't just solved a practical problem or said some perfunctory apologies for some hurtful words, we've actually each held a piece of the other person's soul, handled it gently and considered it's shapes and textures with wonder.
When Daniel and I hit a new depth of intimacy, we call it "Leveling Up," so with that term in mind, I've identified 3 different levels of moving towards conflict kindling intimacy.
Level One: Common Courtesy
This your run of the mill workplace human resources seminar on not being a total asshole.
Other people have needs and ideas. Respect them. Don't interrupt, take turns with the office supplies, refill the paper in the photo copy machine, and don't leave coffee spills in the kitchen for Linda to clean up.
And if you need something, just say so kindly. Don't yell at people or leave passive aggressive notes on your co-worker's computer monitor.
At home, pick up your socks, tell your spouse when you're going to be late, and discuss the budget before buying a boat.
Some of us are blown away that this stuff needs to be said and if you've ever managed people, you wonder why they didn't learn these very basic aspects of common courtesy as children.
However, most people were told as children to show respect, punished for leaving messes for others, yelled at for not taking turns, force to share, shamed for not considering the feelings of others.
So why didn't the lessons stick?
That leads to level two....
Level Two: Peaceful Conflict Resolution
People are motivated by one of two things- fear or love.
Some people take the rules and shame of their childhoods and learn to be afraid to do anything that doesn't appear to be caring about other people's needs, wants and feelings.
Others decide they will never be afraid again, and demand that everyone care for their needs, wants and feelings with no regard to the impact that has on others.
Of course many of us are somewhere in the middle, muddling along, trying to figure out that balance of personal boundaries and sacrifice. truly loving others and wanting to meet their needs, but not sure how to get our own met as well.
As children, if we learn the Common Courtesy of level one as simply *actions* that one takes to avoid conflict, avoid punishment, or avoid the withdrawal of love, then the behaviors are coming from a place of fear.
There's no room for growth because fear activates a primal part of our brain that just desperately wants to survive, so even as adults, our brains are still wired to see conflict as a threat to survival (even emotional survival).
What I wanted to do differently with my children, and believe I've succeeded pretty well, is to let their actions naturally bloom from a place of love, safety and feelings of abundance.
Rather than try to teach lessons about behavior, I have tried to focus on seeing behavior as a communication about a need and I meet the need. When the need is met, they feel loved and feel open to the possibilities of ways to behave that are more in line with their natural empathy, kindness and compassion.
When two children have competing needs, creating a conflict, I try to find ways to meet the needs of both, and they learn over time that both their needs and those of other people are important, and they eventually learn how to find solutions without my help.
The same concept applies to marriage, friendships, workplace relationships and even with casual acquaintances. If you love yourself enough to know you are worth having your needs met, and you love others enough to care about their needs, you can start learning how to get creative with mutually agreeable solutions.
I've lived in this place for years, and it's a peaceful place to be. Peaceful conflict resolution is one of the core aspects of egalitarianism. A marriage does not need a leader to make a final decision if both people are willing to work together towards the common goal of the needs of both being met. If two children can do it, two adults can do it.
But something was missing, and that's why the name of this blog is Becoming Echad, not We've Achieved Echad. I knew I was still on a journey of growth (and always will be), both personally and in my relationships.
Level 3: Emotional Intimacy Kindled by Conflict
I started getting glimpses of emotional intimacy in my relationships with my children, in moments where our souls touched, there was no barrier between us, and I could see so purely and clearly the core of who they are.
Sometimes resolving a conflict is just a practical matter of distributing belongings or making everyone comfortable.
They both want the same toy? Set a timer, find a similar toy for one, put a second matching toy on the shopping list, distract one, feed them both and they'll forget about it.... lots of options.
But sometimes seeking to meet a child's need sends me down a path with twists and turns and a glorious waterfall at the end, shimmering with all their hopes and dreams. Along the way, a wolf or two jumps out and I get to know their fears. Those are the moments that I love parenting the most.
So I knew this thing people called Emotional Intimacy was real and not just some mumbo jumbo made up by people who couldn't accomplish anything practical with their time.
I also knew I didn't have it in any other relationships, and with my children of course, it couldn't hold the same level of mutuality as I saw could be possible with another adult.
I had people I could talk to about emotional things, sure. People who care for me and I care for them.
Feeling safe to tell someone about your trauma, painful feelings and weaknesses is absolutely one very important aspect of emotional intimacy, and finding a handful of those people, even if it's in an anonymous meeting, is very important.
However, at an even deeper level, there is something particularly soul binding about having conflict with another person, and the relationship still maintaining that safety. When the tension rises, but you both breathe deep and relax. When you choose your words carefully, but still speak your truth. When you start to cut the other person off, but you listen carefully instead, because you know without a doubt you'll have your turn and be heard. When you can both express, not just your needs, but what fuels those needs. When the other person knows before you do which trauma is nipping at your heals and making you yelp in pain and confusion, and when they chase it away and wrap you up in a warm blanket. When you have this with someone, it creates a connection that I truly believe is what the Bible is talking about when it speaks of oneness and unity all throughout.
Am I saying that you should try to create conflict? No.
I am saying conflict naturally arises, but it doesn't have to damage a relationship. Quite the opposite, it can be something that heals, grows, and deepens a relationship.
If you haven't experienced conflict deepening emotional intimacy in your relationships, I encourage you to continue on your healing journey, keep seeking out healthy relationships, and the next time a conflict arises, be open to the possibility that it could be a good thing. Treat it as an opportunity, and maybe you'll have a beautiful outcome.
